It was a momentous year, a year of events that will echo in the annals of history the way a dropped plate of calamari echoes in an Italian restaurant with a tile floor.

Decades from now, our grandchildren will come to us and say, "Tell us, Grandpa or Grandma as the case may be, what it was like to be alive in the year that Angelina Jolie, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears and Katie whatshername all had babies, although not necessarily in those combinations." And we will smile wisely and emit a streamer of drool, because we will be very old and unable to hear them.

And that will be a good thing, because there are many things about 2006 that we will not want to remember.

This was the year in which the members of the U.S. Congress, who do not bother to read the bills they pass, spent weeks poring over instant messages sent by a pervert.

This was the year in which the vice president shot a lawyer, which turned out to be legal in Texas.

Also, there were many pesky problems left over from 2005 that refused to go away in 2006, including Iraq, immigration, high gasoline prices, terrorism, global warming, avian flu, Iran, North Korea and Paris Hilton.

Future generations are going to look back at this era and ask us how we could have allowed Paris Hilton to happen, and we are not going to have a good answer.

Did anything good happen in 2006? Let me think ... no. But before we move on to 2007, let's take a moment to reflect on the historic events, real and imaginary, of this historic year, starting with ...

The month dawns with petty partisan bickering in Washington, D.C., a place where many people view petty partisan bickering as honest, productive work.

The immediate cause of the bickering is the Republican ethics scandal involving lobbyist Jack Abramoff and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, both of whom you can tell, just by looking at them, are guilty of something.

The Democrats charge that the Republicans have created a Culture of Corruption and should be thrown out of office so the Democrats can return to power and run the scandal-free style of government for which they are so famous.

The Republicans respond that the Democrats are soft on terrorism soft on terrorism soft on terrorism softonterrorism. Both sides issue press releases far into the night.

In the Middle East, Palestinian voters elect the militant Hamas party, which assumes control of government functions such as street repair, which Hamas decides to handle by firing rockets at potholes.

Canada also holds elections, which are won by some Canadian, we assume.

President Bush, delivering what is billed as a "major address on energy policy," reveals that the nation has an "addiction" to "foreign oil" which comes from "foreign countries" located "outside of the United States" which are getting this oil from "under the ground." To combat this problem, the president proposes the development of "new technology" in the form of "inventions" such as "a Lincoln Navigator that gets 827 miles per gallon," although he allows that this could take "time."

Speaking of guys who avoid the limelight: Vice President Dick Cheney, attempting to bring down a quail with a shotgun, shoots attorney Harry Whittington. Local authorities rule that the shooting was an accident, noting that if the vice president were going to intentionally shoot somebody, it would be Nancy Pelosi. The quail eventually is tracked down and vaporized by an F-16.

Internationally, the big news comes from Denmark, center of a mounting furor over cartoons published the previous year in a Danish newspaper, which depict a prophet whom, in the interest of not offending anybody, we will refer to as Fohammed. This upsets several million of the prophet's followers, who request a formal apology from the newspaper, greater sensitivity to their religious beliefs and, where necessary, beheadings. Eventually, everybody realizes that the whole darned thing was just a silly misunderstanding. That is all we are going to say about this.

The real-estate boom appears to be over, as the government reports that, so far in 2006, only one U.S. homeowner managed to sell his house, and he had to offer, as an incentive to the buyer, his wife. But the employment numbers remain strong, thanks to strong growth in the sector of people trying to get you to refinance your mortgage for, like, the sixth time.

Tom DeLay decides not to seek re-election to Congress, making the announcement via audiotape from a cave somewhere in Pakistan. Republican leaders express relief over Mr. DeLay's decision and issue a statement pledging that there will be "no more Republican scandals, unless somebody finds out about Mark Foley."

But the big story is the price of gasoline, which continues its relentless climb toward an unprecedented $3 a gallon. Responding quickly, Congress, in a rare display of decisive bipartisan action, takes a recess, with both sides promising to resume bickering the instant they get back.

On the terrorism front, the Bush administration comes under heavy criticism after the press reports that the National Security Agency has been collecting telephone records of millions of Americans.

Responding to the outcry, President Bush assures the nation that "the government is not collecting personal information on any individual citizen," adding, "Warren H. Glompett of Boston, call your wife back immediately, because your dog has eaten your entire Viagra supply."

In Houston, former Enron executives Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling are convicted of fraud by a federal jury, which apparently is not persuaded by the defense's claim that Mr. Skilling and Mr. Lay could not have been responsible for the collapse of the $100 billion corporation because they were, quote, "both getting haircuts."

Fact: After the verdict, Mr. Lay says, "We believe that God, in fact, is in control."

Another fact: Less than two months later, Mr. Lay will die of heart failure.

In politics, the debate over Iraq continues to heat up, with President Bush insisting that "we must stay the course, whatever it may or may not be," while the Democrats claim that they would bring the troops home "immediately," or "in about six months," or "maybe not for a long time," depending on which Democrat is speaking.

On a happier note, the United States marks the 50th anniversary of the interstate highway system, an engineering marvel consisting of 47,000 miles of high-speed roads connecting 157,000 Waffle Houses. A formal ceremony is planned but has to be canceled when Dad refuses to stop.

The Tour de France bicycle race is again tainted by suspicions of doping when the winner, American Floyd Landis, is clocked ascending the Alps at more than 200 mph. Mr. Landis denies that he uses illegal drugs, attributing his performance to "gears."

The troubled U.S. space program suffers yet another setback when the launch of the shuttle Discovery is delayed for several days by Transportation Security Administration screeners, who insist that the astronauts remove their shoes before going through the metal detector.

The International Astronomical Union rules that Pluto no longer will be classified as a major planet, on the grounds that it is "less than half the size of James Gandolfini." A top U.S. law firm immediately files a class-action lawsuit on behalf of Pluto, as well as "anybody else who has been hurt by this ruling, or has ever experienced neck pain."

Meanwhile, commercial air travel turns into a nightmare. No, wait, it already was a nightmare. But it turns into an even worse nightmare after Britain uncovers a terrorist plot targeting international flights, which results in a whole new set of security rules, including a ban on gels and liquids including spit, urine, heavy perspirers and lactating women.

After days of chaos at airports, the TSA issues a new directive stating that "passengers may carry small quantities of liquids on board, but only if they are inside clear, one-quart, sealable plastic bags." This leads to more chaos as many TSA employees interpret this to mean that the passengers must be inside the bags. Eventually, the TSA issues a clarification stating that "if necessary, the bags can have air holes."

Americans, already on edge because of concern about terrorism, avian flu, AIDS, nuclear escalation and global warming, find themselves facing a deadly new menace: killer spinach. The lethal vegetable is removed from supermarket shelves by police SWAT teams; many units of innocent produce are harmed. Paris shuts down.

Speaking of vegetables, the United States Congress is rocked by yet another scandal with the publication of e-mails and instant messages sent to male pages by Congressman Mark Foley of Florida, in which he explicitly discusses acts of a sheep-herding nature.

As the scandal expands, House Republican leaders issue a statement claiming that they "are not aware of any so-called Congressman Mark Foley of Florida." Democrats cite Mr. Foley as another example of Republican corruption, declaring that they would never, ever, under any circumstances tolerate such behavior, unless it involved a consenting page.

As the debate over Iraq heats up, President Bush pledges to "keep on continuing to stay the present course, while at the same time not doing anything different."

Democratic leaders declare that they have a "bold new plan" for Iraq, which they will reveal just as soon as The New York Times leaks it to them.

North Korea conducts an underground nuclear test, which is especially troubling because the ground in question is in Wyoming.

This goes virtually unnoticed in Washington, where everybody continues to be obsessed with the growing body of instant messages from Mark Foley who, despite his busy schedule as a lawmaker, apparently found time to attempt to become sheep-herding buddies with pretty much every young male in North America.

In other political developments, Sen. Barack Obama, looking back on a career in the U.S. Senate that spans nearly 20 months, says he may be ready for the presidency. Obamamania sweeps the nation as millions of voters find themselves deeply impressed by Mr. Obama's views and the fact that he was on Oprah.

In a gracious gesture from a potential 2008 rival, Sen. Hillary Clinton sends Mr. Obama a good-luck card, which is stapled to the head of a horse.

Opponents of illegal Mexican immigration cheer when Congress authorizes the construction of a 700-mile fence. Their cheers quickly fade when they learn that, because of wording inserted at the last minute by Sens. Robert Byrd and Ted Stevens, 650 miles of the fence will be constructed in West Virginia and Alaska.

Vice President Dick Cheney again becomes the center of controversy when, appearing on a radio show, he defends the interrogation technique known as "water-boarding" as a legitimate anti-terrorism tool, not torture. At first, the host disagrees, but after several "commercial breaks," Dick brings him around.

As the campaign lumbers to the finish line, Republicans desperately hope that voters will not notice that they, once the party of small government, have turned into the party of war-bungling, corruption-tolerating, pork-spewing, power-lusting toads, while Democrats desperately hope that voters will not notice that they are still, basically, Democrats.

Nationwide, however, it eventually becomes clear that the Democrats have gained control of both houses of Congress.

President Bush handles the defeat with surprisingly good humor, possibly because his staff has not told him about it.

For their part, future House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and future Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid issue a joint statement promising to "make every effort to find common ground with the president," adding: "We are clearly lying."

The first major casualty of the GOP defeat is Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who, the day after the election, is invited to go quail hunting with the vice president. He is never seen again.

As Mr. Rumsfeld's replacement, the president nominates, in what is widely seen as a change in direction on Iraq, Barbra Streisand.

Rumors that Fidel Castro is ailing gain new strength when, at an official state dinner in Havana, a waiter accidentally tips over the longtime Cuban leader's urn, spilling most of him on the floor.

As the year finally nears its conclusion, Americans turn their attention to the holiday season, which they celebrate, as generations have before them, by frantically overbidding on eBay for the Sony PlayStation 3, of which Sony, anticipating the near-homicidal level of demand, manufactured an estimated 11 units.

But despite the well-founded fear of terrorism, the seemingly unbreakable and escalating cycle of violence in the Middle East, the uncertain world economic future, the menace of global warming, the near-certainty that rogue states run by lunatics soon will have nuclear weapons, and the fact that America is confronting these dangers with a federal government sharply divided into two hostile parties unable to agree on anything except that the other side is scum, Americans face the new year with a remarkable lack of worry, and for good reason: They are busy drinking beer and watching football.

So, Happy New Year!

(Burp!)