Another Thanksgiving is just a few days away. A time for food, family and that special feeling that comes from the arrival of our holiday guests:

Salmonella and E. coli.

Ooh … that’s not a feeling you want. But it can happen if you don’t cook the turkey thoroughly. You open the door to visitors even less welcome than Uncle Harvey’s dreaded stories of bachelor life in the ’70s.

And it’s not just salmonella and E. coli associated with turkey. There’s Campylobacter jejuni, Staphylococcus aureus and several other microorganisms that can thin out the competition at the National Spelling Bee. All those little pests cause food-borne illnesses.

But if you properly prepare the turkey, you can eliminate potential hazards. That’s why I always follow these steps when preparing turkey:

1. Poke the plastic-wrap covering with a fork

2. Heat on high for four minutes, stirring mashed potatoes once

3. Enjoy!

OK, that’s probably not going to help you. It’s just that cooking any kind of turkey beyond what comes in a cardboard tray — flanked by runny mashed potatoes and a half-frozen cranberry dessert — is beyond my culinary talents.

But you, especially on Thanksgiving, want the real deal.

You want the kind of turkey with thighs and breasts and a George Hamilton tan. The kind of turkey that comes out of the oven with an aroma that drowns out Aunt Bertie’s combination of tangerine body splash and Chanel No. 5.

For that, let’s all give thanks for the one person in each family who actually knows how to cook a turkey.

But Matt, my family thinks I’m that person. And I have no idea what I’m doing!

Tough situation, but don’t panic. Remember this:

Your family loves you unconditionally, and just because you slightly undercook the turkey and cause several relatives to require a trip to the hospital, they will not stop loving you. Also, emergency rooms sometimes have televisions. So between bouts of gut-wrenching abdominal pains, your family can bond by watching the annual broadcast of It’s a Wonderful Life.

There’s also help from your friends at the United States Department of Agriculture. The USDA has put together a meat-preparation fact sheet, which will help you prepare turkey, ham, goat, lamb or rabbit. Yes, rabbit. The other, other white meat.

For turkey, the USDA says that it’s safe to eat if its internal temperature reaches a minimum of 165 degrees. To determine that, you’ll need a meat thermometer, which is easy to find if you have a meat-thermometer store near you. It’s a little more difficult at other stores, but check in the meat department and then in the thermometer department.

And make sure you get a good one. You’ll want it to be accurate, easy to read, and if necessary, rabbit compatible.

But even if you don’t have a meat thermometer, you can cook a turkey safely. Cooking times can be found on the Internet, based on the weight of the turkey. To give you an idea, an eight-pound stuffed turkey takes about three hours, and a 15-pounder needs about four hours. A 25-pounder should cook for a full five hours, or at least until desperate relatives begin to eat your potholders.

As for any turkey more than 25 pounds, be very, very careful. These turkeys are classified as unsafe because they have probably been taking performance-enhancing drugs.

I hope this will ensure that your Thanksgiving is a success. There are no guarantees, however. All sorts of things can go wrong, from forgetting to turn on the oven, to a grease fire that singes your eyebrows. But really, just having your family together should make it a success.

Sure, they might complain that the stuffing is too dry, or that the gravy is lumpy, or that their intestines are knotting up in pain. But deep down, they will appreciate what you have done to make this Thanksgiving special.

Or at least unforgettable.