The National Football League announced recently that news photographers at games must wear vests that display logos of NFL sponsors.

The response?

Well, I think photographers are generally happy that they won’t have to dress up like a Coors longneck or a pack of Viagra. They aren’t thrilled, however, to be part of an NFL marketing deal.

But look at it from the league’s perspective. The NFL is just like any business that struggles to survive with a mere $5 billion in annual revenue. And successful businesses have to keep moving forward and searching for ways to be more profitable. I think Donald Trump once said that, right before posing with a Pizza Hut box, Trump office chairs and Trump steaks.

Anyway, as a lifelong football fan, I don’t want to see the NFL fall on hard times. That’s why I’m happy to see that the NFL is unveiling other ways to maximize revenue this season:

Field goal posts will include a third upright in the center to make them appear as a fork. Advertising on base of post will be sold to national restaurant chain.

All huddles between plays shall take the shape of the Budweiser crown logo.

Officials shall follow “illegal use of hands” announcement with “you’re in good hands with Allstate.”

New Fantasy Football Revenue Generator. If one team leads by two touchdowns or more at the two-minute warning, FFRG allows fantasy owners to pay $100 to insert their players into game to pad stats.

Any sign brought into a stadium shall be charged 25 cents per letter. Signs including references to the Bible such as “John 3:16” will incur a spiritual fee of one dollar.

Fans wearing a jersey of a player involved in the game will be charged one dollar under new policy for FIT (Fanatical Identity Theft). If said jersey includes fan’s own name on the back, the charge will be two dollars.

Fans with body or face paint shall be charged one dollar per color. Headwear not bearing an NFL license will be charged 50 cents, body glitter will be charged 25 cents and other assessments will be determined by Regional Commissioners of Outerwear Overindulgence.

Other fees to be determined include Optical Enhancement Fee (for binoculars), Personal Comfort Fee (for jackets) and Hopeless and Helpless Fee (for fans of any team that has existed for at least 20 years without playing in a Super Bowl).

For a league with broad appeal, this revenue stream should be more like raging rapids. So it’s time to explore more ways to deepen the NFL’s pockets.

For example, any mention of a crackback block should include a chiropractor’s name. Flea flickers should be sponsored by Hartz Flea and Tick Collars. And when broadcasters announce a defense is using a nickel or dime defensive set, they should mention a promo to a bank that won’t nickel and dime its customers with ATM fees. Maybe self-help guru Dr. Phil would even get involved as an official sponsor of the I-formation.

Here’s how it might work:

“Tony Romo sets up in the Remington Premier Edition Competition Shotgun formation, and now he’s on the run, scrambling like an egg at your nearby International House of Pancakes. He throws deep to the receiver on an American Airlines fly pattern, and Terrell Owens hauls it in for a touchdown!”

At the spot where Mr. Owens spikes the ball, a Spike TV network logo would emerge.

Maybe it’s over the top, but it’s better than seeing our beloved NFL suffer economic stress. I hope these ideas will help, and that all NFL fans will realize that the league needs us now more than ever. So as another season approaches, let’s get out there and support all of the upstanding, hard-working players of the NFL.

And the other players, too. At least until they are forced to appear in court.

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