05:29 PM CDT on Friday, July 21, 2006

By MATT WIXON / Staff Writer

Earlier this month, aerobics guru Dr. Kenneth Cooper announced that he is developing a 51-acre community in McKinney that will be geared around a comprehensive wellness program.

What does that mean?

For one thing, it means that homeowners will build their own homes — in 300 hourlong sessions with a personal trainer. Hammering really works the upper body, you know, and raising a wall ... that's simply tremendous for the glutes. Residents will also be hooked up to monitors to measure cardiovascular output while they mow the lawn.

OK, none of that is confirmed. But we do know that the "Father of Aerobics" is designing a community with an outdoor exercise pavilion, personal nutritionists, health seminars and "a whole concept for wellness." And that's a great idea for people like me.

Of course, by "people like me," I mean "fellow humans." Fellow humans who, unlike me, don't eat too much fast food or hide their abs of steel under a protective layer of fat.

Personally, I would be afraid that the pizza delivery guy's car would get booted while he walked up to my door with a large special with extra unwellness. But the Cooper Life development is still an interesting idea, which is why I met with a sales representative and looked at an early model for the community.

Thinking that this might turn into a column, I remembered to ask my questions boldly and requested that the agent respond in normal typeface. Here was our discussion:

This seems like a unique idea. Can you point out some of the special features on this model of the neighborhood?

Sure. The Cooper Life development will stress physical wellness, so there will be lots of ways to stay active. For example, nobody has an attached garage. Residents will park in a large lot a mile from their homes, allowing them an invigorating walk through Feel the Burn Plaza.

And these sidewalks look extra wide. Is that just to encourage more people to get out there and walk?

Exactly. And because the extra width means more safety for the residents, especially when the sidewalks turn into treadmills.

They turn into treadmills?

Only on days when the aerobic output of the community is deemed unsatisfactory. We hope it doesn't come to that.

What?

I'm joking, I'm joking. The Cooper Life development will be very health-conscious, and sure, there will be a little peer pressure. But it's not like anyone will be thrown out if they're seen eating a Big Mac. They'll simply have to wear a sweater with a scarlet "M" written on it in sticky MacDonald's ketchup.

Another funny one. Maybe this really would be a fun community.

Actually, I wasn't joking that time. We're also discussing whether residents spotted with anything super-sized or value-sized will have a "wide load" sticker placed on their door. But don't get me wrong ... this community WILL be fun, especially for the kids. Just look at the playground over there.

I don't see it. Is it near Biker Buns Boulevard or Remember to Stretch Road?

No, it's between Antioxidant Drive and the Adonis Flexpressway, near the sweaty towel depot and the sign that says, "Warning: Neighborhood Watch in Effect, no trans fats beyond this point."

You mean here, by your lunch?

That's not my lunch, that's the Get That Cookie Out of Your Mouth Playground. The carrot is a slide, the merry-go-round is designed as a rice cake and the seesaw looks like an asparagus spear. It's a healthy introduction to eating for kids, who can also get a body-fat analysis before climbing the 10-foot food pyramid.

The community is certainly very complete. What about all these people wearing the red shirts on the model? Are those personal trainers?

Actually, those are personal motivators. We'll have a couple dozen roaming the community each day, greeting residents, giving them advice and encouraging the pursuit of physical wellness.

Wow, they're everywhere. There's even one talking to the resident having a picnic at the park.

Yeah, the motivator would probably say something like, "Wouldn't it be a great day for a run?" or "Remember, no food tastes as good as being thin feels."

Hmm ... I'll have to get back to you. Can you give me some packets of information to take with me?

Sure. Just drop and give me 20 pushups first.

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Every Monday, Dallas Morning News columnist Matt Wixon brings the funny to Break Room.   E-mail Matt Wixon