06:48 PM CDT on Friday, May 5, 2006

By MATT WIXON / Staff Writer

The television series Dallas taught us all a lot. For one thing, that we should watch out for an enraged sister-in-law with a gun. And just as important, that when life gets really complicated, we can always just wake up from a yearlong dream and make it all go away.

Unfortunately, we've learned a lot less about the upcoming movie version of Dallas. All we know is that John Travolta will be J.R., Jennifer Lopez will be Sue Ellen, and that on its opening weekend at the box office, Dallas will get clobbered by a kids' movie featuring a wise-cracking bird, rodent or small appliance.

But here's a scoop. According to a source inside the movie biz, some of the actors have already arrived on the Dallas set. They're even talking about the movie, and to prove it, I was given a transcript of a super-secret conversation. I have reason to believe the conversation is authentic because the source nearly spelled Travolta's name correctly, and only once did he refer to J-Lo as George Lopez's wife.

Here's a cleaned-up version of the on-the-set conversation, minus a discussion of Scientology and what was the more embarrassing movie, Battlefield Earth or Gigli:

Travolta: Hi, Jennifer. Can you believe we're going to be a part of the biggest television show in history? I still remember when the whole "Who shot J.R.?" thing was happening. Everybody knew me as Vinnie Barbarino then.

Lopez: And now everybody is going to know you as J.R. Ewing. And, of course, everyone will know me as Sue Ellen, the Southern belle who suddenly becomes a smokin'-hot Latina. But even when people call me Sue Ellen, they'll know "I'm still Jenny from the block."

Travolta: Jenny from a block in the South Bronx. And you know, I'm from New Jersey. So how did a pair of actors from the northeast get the leads in this movie?

Lopez: I don't know, but here's a better question: Why are we in Louisiana to film a movie about a Texas oil family?

Travolta: I heard it's all about tax incentives. And the Louisiana Superdome got pretty beat up by Hurricane Katrina, so now it looks a lot like Texas Stadium. The technical wizards can make everything else look like Big D. I also think there are other plans to make it more authentically Dallas, such as shots of the skyline, people getting makeovers and a scene in which Sue Ellen has an alcoholic relapse as she sits in traffic on Highway 75. I also heard they are going to have some scenes featuring Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith.

Lopez: Playing football?

Travolta: Actually, I heard they're going to fight for the affections of Lucy Ewing. It's one of the updated storylines.

Lopez: That seems a little weird, but I guess it's hard to find exciting new twists after more than 350 episodes. I haven't seen the script yet, have you?

Travolta: I've only seen a couple of pages, but I noticed there was boozing, double-crossing, illegitimate children and someone getting shot. I guess that means the writers are staying pretty true to the original.

Lopez: Somebody gets shot? Is it J.R.?

Travolta: No, the writers probably thought that would be too hokey, so it's Bobby Ewing who gets shot. According to the script I've seen, there will then be a 15-minute intermission so moviegoers can head to the concession stand and discuss who they think shot Bobby.

Lopez: That's really bizarre. By the way, is Luke Wilson going to play Bobby?

Travolta: I thought so. But the script says Bobby is naked and playing the bongos when he gets shot, so I think they decided to cast another Texan, Matthew McConaughey.

McConaughey: That's right, that's right, that's riiiiiiiight . How could I not be in this movie? My dad was in the oil business, and I'm as Texas as you can get. Go Longhorns!

Lopez: Oh hi, Matthew. I didn't see you there. But isn't that Luke walking this way?

McConaughey: What? It can't be.

Wilson: Wait just a second, Matthew. I'm actually from Dallas, and I'm going to be Bobby Ewing. In fact, I was just talking about some scenes with the director, Gurinder Chadha. Tell him, Gurinder.

Chadha: Actually, you're both going to be Bobby Ewing. Matthew, you'll be Bobby in the first part of the movie and then get shot and die. Then Bobby's wife, Pamela, will wake up, see Bobby step out of the shower and realize that the whole first part of the movie was a dream. Then Luke will play Bobby.

Lopez: Huh? I don't think that's going to work. It all seems a little bit unbelievable.

Chadha: That's kind of the point. We want to stay true to the original.

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Every Monday, Dallas Morning News columnist Matt Wixon brings the funny to Break Room.   E-mail Matt Wixon