This Sunday, more than 100 million Americans will watch the Super Bowl. Some will pull for the Colts, some will pull for the Bears, and some will pull out a crossword puzzle two seconds after kickoff.

That’s bound to happen on Super Bowl Sunday, when diehard fans share seven-layer dip with football novices. It’s a day when football sages huddle with people who think bump-and-run coverage refers to car insurance, that the “Power I” is a self-help book and that a tight end is why you order the “Buns of Steel Platinum Series.”

Shocking to think some people don’t follow this staple of American culture. After all, pro football provides moments of thrilling action, wrenching drama and Terrell Owens spitting on an opponent. But I understand that not everybody is into the Super Bowl.

Just about everyone, however, is into Super Bowl parties. That’s because the parties really aren’t about football. They’re more like a winter version of the Fourth of July. A day to celebrate the great things in America, such as football, humongous televisions, buffet spreads and easy access to pants with stretchy elastic waistbands.

Still, if you’re a football newbie, it helps to know a little bit of what’s going on in the game. So here’s a quick football lesson to help you get through the most commercialized, advertiser-driven sporting event of the year. That is, after a word from my sponsor:

Have you ever wanted to show people that you have money to burn but feel it might be “too flashy” to run down the street with flaming cash? Get a Rolex! Guaranteed to get everyone’s attention as you reach for the queso dip.

OK, let’s get ready for Super Bowl Sunday.

In simplest terms, football is a game in which two teams defend goals at opposite ends of a field in a huge, taxpayer-funded stadium. Each team attempts to move the ball into the end zone for a touchdown by eluding tacklers and by illegally holding defensive players in a way that the officials can’t see.

Honestly, that’s all the football knowledge you’ll need this Sunday. If you want to learn more, just listen to the football gurus at your party who — in a Super Sunday phenomenon that will occur simultaneously in millions of homes — will know more about football than anyone else in the world.

These founts of knowledge can be identified when they say phrases such as “that was obvious holding” and “you’ve got to be able to run the ball” and “I remember when I played football …” Many of them can also be identified by their football jerseys, which look just like the ones the players wear, except that the red stains are from ketchup, not blood.

Listen to the gurus, but don’t ask questions. “Why is that guy called an offensive tackle when he’s not allowed to tackle anyone?” and “Does anyone ever run into the field goal post?” might be good questions. Same goes for, “Wait a second … when did YOU play football?”

But Super Sunday is not the right time for questions. It’s like pestering a figure-skating fan, right in the middle of the Stars on Ice, to explain the history of the sequin.

More than anything, if you’re not a football fan, remember that you can still have fun on Super Sunday. Enjoy the food, the clever commercials and the halftime show featuring the artist formerly known as not wanting to be known as Prince.

But also remember that for some people, Super Sunday is about the game. So be respectful of them as you enjoy a slice of Americana — and another slice of pizza. Go ahead, indulge. Because even if you know nothing about football, the Super buffet is always a hit.

Or in this case, a touchdown. Which, if you’re working on that crossword puzzle, is a nine-letter word for “when a football player goes into get-jiggy-with-it mode in the end zone.”

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Every Monday, Dallas Morning News columnist Matt Wixon brings the funny to Break Room.   E-mail Matt Wixon