When people talk about astrology, I think of the National Enquirer commercials from the 1980s. The ones that claimed to predict everything for the new year, from how a meteor was speeding toward Earth to how Elizabeth Taylor would slim down by eating ice cream and broccoli.

Back then, the supermarket tabloids had all the answers for “people with enquiring minds.” They also had stories about Big Foot eating a Big Mac, so it wasn’t a shining moment for astrology.

Maybe that’s why I never looked to the stars for direction. Unless, of course, you count the times when Asteroids directed me to cash in paperboy dollars for video-game tokens. (I once held the high score at Superfun Arcade for nearly 10 minutes.)

But last week, as predictions for the new year landed all over the map, I decided to take a look at the horoscopes. And after turning to several astrology Web sites, I can provide a 2007 summary for each Zodiac sign. In cases where astrological forecasts seemed to contradict, which turned out to be every one, I sought clarity from another famous soothsayer: the Magic 8-ball.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Change is in the air for you, and this might be a time to explore. Someone in your office has a great affection for you, so embrace the possibility of amorous adventures. The 8-ball reports “signs point to yes” for a new love or sexual harassment lawsuit.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Your effective communication skills will be of great benefit to your career. Your focus on individual metamorphosis will help you explain to others how to live their lives. The 8-ball reports “outlook good” for feeling of self-importance and people telling you to “shut up already.”

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This is the year to concentrate on yourself as you navigate the path to understanding. Knowing life is a long hike, you’ll strive for your goals by bravely leaving the well-worn trail. The 8-ball reports that “without a doubt” you will find personal growth or poison ivy.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Exciting projects will allow your creativity to peak during this year of stretching your imagination. Your enthusiastic spirit will push you to share your creative works with others. The 8-ball reports “outlook not so good” for the macramé handbags you plan to give friends at Christmas.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): With a few bold moves, this may be your year for love. But remain cautious, because although you have great affection for someone in your office, it’s not that totally desperate Aries who reads the horoscopes. The 8-ball reports “ask again later” to question of whether you will feel ignored in ’07.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your compassion has always been an inspiration. This year, everyone will discover that you are a healer at heart. The 8-ball reports “it is certain” you will decide to pursue a medical degree or offer a Band-Aid to a co-worker.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): This is the year you embrace simple pleasures, like your love of the outdoors. When responsibilities become a burden, your independent, carefree disposition will find escape through periodic retreats into nature. The 8-ball reports “signs point to yes” for creating your own organic garden and a misdemeanor charge of public nudism.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You are truly amazing, gifted, talented, benevolent and charming, and this year, you will look in the thesaurus for more astounding descriptions of your colossal grandeur. The 8-ball reports that “without a doubt” the writer of this summary is a Scorpio.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Your spontaneous and eager nature will lead you to many physical challenges this year. BASE jumping, street luging and extreme skiing will keep you feeling vibrant. The 8-ball reports “better not tell you now” to question of whether you should run with the bulls in Pamplona.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You’ve always had a taste for the finer things, and this year could be flavorful. On a night when Jupiter is in the 10th House, your stars could align with a wealthy and mysterious romantic partner. The 8-ball reports “my reply is no” to question of whether wealthy and mysterious romantic partner would ever use Match.com.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Some people feel you are a visionary, and your supreme self-confidence may lead to new business opportunities. You feel suffocated working for someone else, so this year might bring a chance to open your own business. The 8-ball reports “it is certain” that bankruptcy lawyers will not accept your credit cards as payment.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): This is a good year for getting in touch with old friends. Your spirit will be invigorated by reconnecting with the people who remember you before you became successful. The 8-ball reports “outlook good” for your friends knowing your stories of success are total lies.

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Every Monday, Dallas Morning News columnist Matt Wixon brings the funny to Break Room.   E-mail Matt Wixon